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BDSM Safety & Contracts
Negotiation and BDSM Contracts
The idea of consent is one that may not be obvious to the casual observer, but safe, sane, and consensual BDSM practitioners agree to limits – what they are and aren’t willing to do – before the scene. While a submissive might be experiencing pain that appears to push them to the limits, a good dominant will understand what those limits are, and the two will have discussed what to expect beforehand.
This is a crucial element to a functioning BDSM relationship.
Negotiating your scene doesn’t have to be super formal. It might consist of you simply saying to your partner “By the way, I am not a big fan of ball gags” and mentioning your safe word, which we’ll touch on below. You might explain that paddles are okay, but you’re not ready for canes. In BDSM, things you never want to try are known as hard limits while things you might eventually want to try or want to try cautiously are known as soft limits.
BDSM Checklist
A tool to consider is a BDSM checklist. You can use it to express interest — and disinterest — in BDSM activities and figure out where your interests overlap with your partner. You could even use the checklist as a guide for things you’re willing to allow your partner to do or vice versa during a scene. For some people, negotiation includes signing a contract. The idea of a contract might sound overly formal or even silly, but some people like them. Depending on your contract, you agree to play with a partner for a period. Some people use temporary contracts for a single play session while others sign them for years (with the caveat that they periodically revisit the contract).
Safe Words
Your contract might include mentions of your safe word, nicknames, or titles you’ll use during the scene, any limits, and pertinent health information. For example, you might list any STIs, allergies, or injuries or conditions (think arthritis, anxiety, or low blood pressure) that might affect how you play. A safeword should be short so that it’s easy to remember and say during an intense scene, but it should not be “Stop” or “No” because those words might be used when you’re playing a role in a scene and you don’t actually want to stop. Some people like the traffic light system where green means good ahead, yellow means slow down or pause, and red means stop.
Always play safe
Safety, both physical and emotional, is of the utmost importance in a BDSM scene, where there is the possibility of drawing blood, cutting off circulation along with any other potential bodily harm. It’s recommended that you always have an easy way out of a scene in the event of an emergency. The key to cuffs should be nearby, and paramedic scissors are always helpful. Never bind something with silk, which can tighten and cut off circulation. If you play with multiple partners, be sure to sterilize toys and implements. Organic materials such as leather are porous and can harbor bacteria for months. This creates the potential to spread diseases when used on multiple partners. However, glass, steel, plastic, and silicone are among the materials that you can safely sterilize to use with multiple partners. Common impact toys such as floggers and whips can draw blood. Not only should you worry about transmitting diseases, but you should also consider that you can do real damage to a person if you aim for a location on the body without enough padding. The butt and backs of thighs make an excellent target while aiming for the lower back can cause damage to the kidneys. Never bind someone’s neck, which could cause asphyxiation (the cause of death for actor David Carradine, who was apparently into autoerotic asphyxiation). Open wounds must be treated immediately. Although some people like bruises, extreme bruising of buttocks can make it difficult to sit after a scene.
Aftercare
A BDSM scene can be a powerful thing, even if you’ve done the activities in the scene a hundred times before and even if it doesn’t seem all that intense. Your body will have a physiological response to pushing your body up to your hard limits. The surge of adrenaline and endorphins lead your body to a temporary imbalance. The rush of these chemicals leaving your body, known as sub drop, can be just as disconcerting. Cortisol, specifically, is your body’s response to stress. And while you might be a willing participant in these types of activities and even find them to reduce perceived stress, your body will react accordingly. If you experience prolonged stress, which would be atypical of a BDSM scene but might occur with a stressful job or unhealthy relationship, your body will continually produce cortisol, which compresses your immune system. If you were on the receiving end, you might be sore from receiving punishments or being bound, potentially in uncomfortable positions. Mentally and emotionally, you may feel exhausted, disconnected from your partner or confused over your enjoyment at the scene. You may be disoriented and feel disconnected from your body. This can all come as quite a shock, especially if you’re not expecting it. But the guidance and aftercare provided by your dominant help ease the symptoms and bring you back down safely and comfortably.